'Recovery'

Nope. Don’t belong here either. I should just delete this blog entirely, what was I even thinking.

I can’t do this. I can’t not do this. I can’t do anything. 

Hey, er so for those who remember me. I’m back…I think..

It’s been a while…

If you guys even remember me. 

These passed 6 weeks (wow yes it has been that long) have been, no joke, hell. 

So let me fill you in. 

I’ve been at a confusing state where I stopped using this blog and tried to stop with the calorie counting, weighing and increasing my intake.
Pretty much cold turkey. Under the pressure to now get better, I thought mum expected an overnight change. This further made my mental state worse, as you can imagine. I couldn’t decide what was the normal amount. I would eat and feel guilty, plan on skipping meals and feel even worse. I couldn’t do anything right and I gained from 57kg back up to 60kg.
Well done, Mel.  So yes, now I feel even worse, back at 60kg, the number I thought I’d never have to see again. 
School was now in my face since I could no longer kind of…’escape’ to this world of calories and weighing myself and exercise, I paid more attention to my school life. This wasn’t easy, as they were bringing in the assignments and there were deadlines to be met and I felt like a failure, despite my steady A and B grades.  

I noticed people making more jokes about eating disorders (as people do) and it made me anxious. I felt like everyone was watching me eat. 
I’d think “Fuck it” and end up bingeing. Then hate myself more. Two close friends didn’t know what to do with me as I was constantly down ad even to this day there are days I’m a total bitch or don’t talk. 
I’m paranoid about my friends ‘catching’ this, learning from y habits, and even to the point where I’d think they’d skip meals just to throw it in my face that I can’t. 

I now see a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders and she gave me a food diary. 
It’s hard because she’s stuck me on a maintenance type eating that shouldn’t make me gain or lose weight. She even thinks I shouldn’t lose anymore weight because I’m “at a completely healthy weight and it’s unrealistic to try to aim lower” blah blah blah, but let’s face it. Of course she’s going to not advice me to lose weight, granted I have an eating disorder. 
So now I’m pretty much stuck at 60kg until I see this lady in 3 weeks time for her to check how my food diary went. 
It’s crazy, I have to eat so much (probably the healthy amount but I’ve never been a big eater so this is just crazy. It’s like I’m eating a horse or something.). 
I have to get the right amounts of serves of everything a day.

7 - 8 serves of bread and cereals.  
2 -3 serves of dairy and milk products
2 serves of fruit
3 - 4 serves of meat and protein. 
(she didnt mention vegies coz I apparantly get the right amount anyway)

But I can’t show her this diary! I feel like a pig! I’ve had to eat so much just to fill these stupid serves!!
Not only this, but for my Cooking assignment I have to write down food I have eaten in a week. It’s like everyone around me wants to know what I’ve eaten, when and how much!

I’m going to be honest here, I appreciate the fact that my mum wants to help me. She’s been really good to talk to. I hate talking to her though because I know it kills her to know how I feel. And I can’t tell her half the stuff like how I’ve attempted to throw up a couple of times, how I KNOW it’s unhealthy but I really do not care I just want to look a certain way and be a certain number….
I really do not think I was ready for recovery. I don’t care that I was getting sick, I was actually getting really happy for a change. It was my life. This was my life, and I just wasn’t ready to leave it.  

I miss you guys. I miss this. I miss everything. These passed 6 weeks have sucked. All I do is eat, it’s disgusting. And I’m pretty sure everyone has gotten to a point where they’re like, “Ugh, shut up and just get better already, I’m tired of your complaining.”
I’m a waste of space. Dead weight.  

Just quickly dropping in to type this because I have no where else to type it.

They think it’s as simple as, “Oh she’s eating more now. All is well.”
Thing is I hate myself even more than I did when I was down to 200cals a day.  
I hate eating. I hate the guilt. I hate everything.

Let’s just say ‘recovery’ is NOT easy, especially when hardly anyone took you seriously to begin with.
Again, I hate everything.

Okay, you can carry on now.  

Anonymous asked: Before you leave, I do hope you find yourself beautiful as you clearly are and always keep that in mind forever. x

Thank you (: I’m getting there. And I think once I stop stressing about this so much I’ll be able to see myself as beautiful. 

Okay here’s the deal.

I’m getting rid of this Tumblr. And my other one. 
My sister told my mum and my mum and I had a chat. I learnt a few interesting things. Both my mum and my sister were so concerned about me. As were a few family members who I had seen at pop’s 80th.
I feel terrible. I can’t believe people were worrying about me. I don’t want to scare them. I’m at a healthy weight now. I look great, well much better to how I ORIGINALLY looked.
I’ve lost like 11kg. It’s amazing.
I’ve promised mum that I’ll stay around the 55kg to 60kg zone. She’s happy with that. But if I lost any more than that she’s taking me straight to a professional. I can’t put her through that. My mum is amazing.
She says that I’ve been getting sick a lot and it may have been due to my immune system being down and also the stress. Which is probably true.
I don’t care what happens to me, really, but I seriously can not put other people through any of this bull crap.
So it’s stopping.
I’ve promised mum healthy.

So. Healthy, 55kg to 60kg. Less calorie counting.
It makes me sad that I have to go. Because, okay this is going to sound like total bull crap, but you guys know me better than some people I actually know in real life who have known me for years. And I have gotten to know many of you and it sucks that I have to go.
So, no more of this Tumblr. Or Prettywaiflike, which was only up yesterday.
Perhaps if you feel it necessary you CAN email me on honeyb_15@hotmail.com
Byebye guys xx
Please stay strong and be careful